The P Word

The P word that no one wants to talk about.  

The P word that every mother dreads. 

The P word that a lot of mothers say they won’t get it

Postpartum depression. 

It is 100% real.

It is not in a mother’s head.

It is not something you can just “get over” 

It is not something that is ‘cured overnight” 

It cannot be fixed “by getting out” more. 

The P word makes you feel sad, and cry even when you have no idea what you are upset about.

The P word make you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

The P word makes you sleep way too much.

The P word makes you eat too much, or might make you not eat at all.

The P word makes your body feel like you are in so much pain but have no idea where it is coming from.

The P word will make you have mood swings like no tomorrow.

The P word will make you feel out of control, can’t remember anything.

The P word will make you feel disconnected to your baby, this does not mean you don’t love your baby, but it may feel that way. 

The P word might happen right after your baby is born, or it might happen months later. 

You are not alone!! 

No there is nothing wrong with you, I promise you, it will get better. If you or any of your friends are feeling these symptoms, please talk about it, call your doctor, talk to your spouse, your friends. You don’t have to battle the P word alone.

What I wish I heard before I was pregnant

“You will have a beautiful glow, and love every minute of it”

At this point I am expecting an amazing experience… what could go wrong right?? No pain, I hold my pee when I sneeze… not

Don’t get me wrong, I am forever grateful that I made a human being inside me, and I love them to death.. and I am sure there are people out their that loved their pregnancies.. but for me I wish someone told me a few more things about it… honestly

Just Eat

When I was pregnant I craved subs… all of the meat plus anything sour, and guess what I.ate.all.the.things. Don’t get me wrong I felt guilty that I was not eating more healthy, but guess what happened?? I gave birth to 3 healthy little bumbinos. Yep, 10 fingers, 10 toes. Cutest little button noses. Perfectly healthy. So girl you have a craving dig in!!

Park that butt if you want to!

I get it, there is so much to be done before the baby comes or you want to get that pile of work on your desk done, the house is a friggin mess… but hey, you earned this, you are creating a human being inside you, your body is already working over time. Take that well-earned break that you need. Sit down, eat all the things and relax.

Hand me downs are okay!

It is your first baby you want to buy all new clothes. You want your baby looking amazing in everything he or she wears. Guess what second hand clothes are amazing and I promise you a lot of it are brand name! Babies grow so fast and they will continue doing that. Like bad weeds in the garden.

You need help? Ask for it!

Do not feel guilty because you need an extra hand! Parenting is not easy, I promise you that. It is really hard being a first time mom, heck even a second or third time mom its hard. It takes a village to help raise the children, ask for help when you need it. Your feet hurt, your back hurts, everything is friggin hurts. That’s what family and friends are for.

Sexy Time!

A girls got needs. I get it you don’t like the way your body looks. Trust me neither did I. Plus sometimes I was so tired I couldn’t even get up off the couch. If you are feeling it, go for it and no, your husband will not poke the baby in eye… even though some of them might say that. Feeling that connection with your Significant other is amazing.

Where what you feel comfortable in

You want to wear those sleep pants.. do it You want to wear track pants do it. You want to splurge on maternity clothes GO FOR IT. You are already feeling extremely uncomfortable in your body why would you make it worse by wearing something that just isn’t right. DO YOU!

Pregnancy might not be the most pleasant thing in the world, or maybe you will enjoy every minute of it, we are all different. But one thing I know is that once you are holding that beautiful baby in your arms all the things that happened will just go away, the minute you see that face!

MISCARRIAGE your pain matters

I was 8 weeks pregnant, I heard the heart beat. I was told the heart beat looked amazing.. so why was I bleeding? Why was I in so much pain if everything looked okay. so why did I loose my baby.. if everything was okay?

The feeling of loosing a baby, no matter how far along you are. No matter how ‘formed’ the baby was is the most wrenching feeling a woman will ever go through. Going back over everything that you did once you found out you were pregnant trying to put everything together as to why this has happened. As to why my body failed me.

This is not a feeling that will ever go away, it is something that a woman will forever live with. Will forever think about.

While we are dealing with this pain. This horrible worse then heart broken. We don’t want to hear.

“Well at least it was early”
“Well I guess it just wasn’t meant to be”
“Well you can always try again”
“Everything happens for a reason”
“At least you werent THAT pregnant”
“You are so young you can try again”

It doesn’t matter if you were 6 weeks
It doesn’t matter if you were 12 weeks
It doesn’t matter if you were 16 weeks
It doesn’t matter if you were 20+ weeks

Your grief matters, Your pain matters, your tears matter, YOU matter.

I felt ashamed, I felt like a failure. No matter how much support you get from family or from friends, from your partner, the pain it just unbearable.

No it was NOT your fault.
No you do NOT need to get over it.

I just want you to know, that you ARE a Mama. You will never stop thinking and cherishing the life that you carried. No matter how hard or how difficult your journey is, please don’t feel guilty. You will forever spend your life wondering the details. What would the baby look like, would it have been a boy or a girl. Would it look like mommy or daddy. That’s normal, that’s natural. You feeling this way goes to show you how tender and loving your heart is.

I promise you, you’re not alone! Don’t be scared to talk about it constantly when you are feeling sad. You CAN do this!

Meditation during pregnancy

During pregnancy you have so many things to worry about, the fact that you are about to bring this beautiful baby into this world. All the things that you need to get ready, prepare for. We all tend to forget about ourselves. It is important that during all this crazy chaos of bringing a baby in the world that you take time for yourself.

Meditation has so many benefits for your body and even your mind. Meditation can be used before pregnancy, during and even after But today I will talk about Pregnancy Meditation.

One of the top things your doctor will tell you is listen to your body, and if you are anything like me you answer with “How?”
Meditation will help you listen to your body, relax your mind, and listen to that small heart beat.

There are tons of benefits of practicing Meditation:

  • It can help you reduce stress
  • Helps control anxiety
  • Helps with emotional health
  • Helps with self-awareness
  • Helps keep you focused
  • Helps improve sleep
  • Helps control pain
  • Can decrease blood pressure

Finding a comfortable position is important

You may have been doing meditation for awhile, or maybe you are a newbie. As your belly grows finding a way to be comfortable is difficult regardless. Meditation is best done sitting up right, but sometimes it is very difficult to do even more so when you are in your third trimester. Don’t stress to much about the way you are doing it, the most important thing is find a way to be comfortable to do your meditation. I found the best way to do this was laying down on my side, with a pillow between my legs.

Focus on your beautiful bump

Mama you are growing a human inside you, focus all your energy to what is going on inside your belly. Try some deep belly breathing techniques. Breath in and out slowly, deep inside your belly. Start shorter periods at first and the more you do it, go a little longer each time. Start at 3 minutes.

The waves of a beautiful ocean

So during pregnancy, and even during labor this one can really help. Sometimes you can get braxton hicks contractions during your pregnancy, these are ‘fake contractions’ these can really hurt. So one meditation technique is to pretend each contraction is waves coming in and out. Visualize a way coming in when it hits the peak of the pain, breath in and then when the pain is subsiding, picture the wave going back out, and breath out.

Humming a tune to your baby

During pregnancy we start to think of all the things that could happen, or all the things that we just don’t understand and we start to over think everything. When should I pack my hospital bag, when should I start thinking about the baby room, what names are we going to pick. Why am I having this pain, what is this pain. Our minds start going a mile a minute. We all know that famous “Hum” sound during meditation and some people find it very silly. Personally I think its the best thing to do when you’re lost in thought. It helps you clear your mind and focus on the sound of your voice and nothing else. So instead of thinking it is some weird thing you are saying while sitting there, think of it as you humming a tune to your baby. Find your comfortable spot, and hummmm to your baby. Focus all your thoughts on the sound of your voice and visualize your baby hearing your beautiful voice.

Concept Meditation [Find your happy place]

So you just bought a crib and change table set and the instructions are all crazy you and your husband can’t figure out what is even going on. You start to argue and stress levels just start going through the roof. Here is what you do to calm yourself down. Hey! even let your husband join in! This could also benefit him as well. Find your happy place. Think of the place that you love the most, for example you are in a rain forest, all you hear is the rain coming down and the animals making their beautiful music. Focus on the sound of the rain and the trees blowing in the wind. Ignore all outside noises and just breath. Continue this till you feel your stress levels come down and start that crib and change table in a different mind set.

Let’s get grounded

No I don’t mean I am going to send you to your room for 5 minutes so you can think about your actions. I mean get up and start walking. No only does this help you prepare your mind but it also helps prepare your body for labor. Choose a good place to concentrate on your breathing and pace. Pay attention to your steps and the feeling of the floor or carpet and maybe even the grass between your toes or even your feet on the beach in the sand or water.

If you have any concerns please talk to your doctor before trying meditation.

Meditation can help in so many ways, if you are not comfortable doing them alone, maybe try and join a meditation class! I promise you, that you wont be disappointed in the results of meditation. Even continue after you have the baby.

I hope this will help you have a happier and healthier experience during your pregnancy!

I felt robbed

I feel like my body failed me.
This was not how it was suppose to be.
My pregnancies were all normal, I felt like I was a “easy patient”

Every time I went in for my appointment “Everything looks great” “Right on track” So the end game was not at all what I was expecting.

Getting pregnant at 19, was not my plan. I planned to go to collage and become a vet, or at least anything to do with animals. Life has a way of challenging you. I was taking my birth control every day like clock work, using condoms. I had nothing to worry about right? Well I was wrong.

I was wrong because I made a mistake… at 19 years old, you are considered an adult but you still make those mistakes. We didn’t use a condom and well shocker I got pregnant.

So now here I am pregnant at 19… I needed to change my future. Now I have to not only think about myself but think about this bundle that I am bringing into the world. I was scared, nervous.. Was I going to be a good mom? What will be my birthing plan?

I wanted to do it normal, and by normal I mean vaginally. I had it all planned out to the T. Yet again life throws in a curve ball.

The morning that I gave birth went like any normal day. My boyfriend at the time, my kids father. Went off to work. I didn’t feel right. I woke up with a really bad stomach ache. I tried laying down, drinking more water. Even took a bath and nothing was working. So I called my boyfriend saying, I think you need to come back something is just not right.

Off to the hospital we went with my hospital bag, my birthing plan the whole 9 yards. Was this it? Was this the time we get to meet our child?

Waiting in the hospital bed, hooked up to all the crazy machines. Nurses coming in and out not telling us a damn thing. I finally asked “What going on? Am I giving birth today or not?” The nurses looked at each other then looked at us. That’s when my heart dropped…

What was going on? Was our baby okay? Did I do something wrong?

Nurse 1 said “There is something going on with your babies heart rate, every time you get a contraction, the heart rate goes down” So at this point I am bawling my eyes out. 20 years old and I am giving birth to my first child. I am already scared enough then this happens?

Fast forward my doctor gave me a shot to speed up the process so that I can give birth quickly… I was fully dilated and it was time to push. I kept pushing and pushing. Meanwhile my babies heart rate was still going down. So my doctor made the choice. “We need to do an emergency csection”

Emergency csection… wait what?

My mind was going a mile a minute.. Everything was blurry… I was freaking out. They roll me into the room. I remember how cold it was in that room. I remember all the nurses and doctors running around me. No one was speaking to me, they were all speaking softly to themselves.

I felt nothing from the waste down, besides the pressure and then pushing and pulling and moving my body. I couldn’t do anything because they had this big sheet up.

I heard the cry…

I took the biggest breath ever… I felt like the whole time I was holding it in. That cry… was the best sound I have heard in my entire life. I never thought I could want something so bad. All the worry and the scares and everything just went away the minute I heard our baby cry.

The doctors told me that the cord was wrapped around her neck twice. Her poor little face was purple and you could see on the top of her head where she started to come out when I was pushing. She was perfect.

They pushed me into a room for recovery, without my baby. Without the little human that I was waiting for long to hold and to just stare at. I felt robbed. No skin to skin. No magically joy of them pulling her out of me and my boyfriend cutting the cord. There was none of that. I am laying here after all that alone.

I had to stay in the hospital bed for 2 days hooked up. I wasn’t aloud getting out of it. I was in so much pain that I could barely sit up to feed her or to change her.

I see other ladies getting out of the hospital the second day and here I am still here. I hear all these lovely stories about them being able to do skin to skin and holding their babies for the first time right after before anyone else. I didn’t

I felt like my body failed me.

When I got home I was still in so much pain… I remember crying while in the shower and my boyfriend had to help me wash. I remember crying when he helped me put on my clothes and shoes if we needed to go out. Which wasn’t often right after the csection. Why was I in so much pain? Was I just weak and couldn’t handle the pain? Was this pain not normal? I had no idea what was happening. Since before giving birth I read all these books and researched all about giving birth but never once thought that I would be having a csection.

I remember looking at my scar thinking, I hate you so much. I remember thinking my body now wont ever go back to being the same because of this stupid scar. I remember thinking now my body is ugly.

What I came to understand is the first 2 weeks after a csection is the hardest. It actually takes a full 6 weeks for you to be able to go back to fully functioning.

I wish that I knew this. I wish that I did more research about csections before giving birth. I wish that I knew that I could bond with my baby in different ways like me holding her and breastfeeding which I did but my head was just so wrapped around the fact that I couldn’t do it all right away.

As a new mom at 20 I was the strongest yet most weakest I have ever been. I will forever hold on to this birth story because it changed me. It made me understand that your plan is never 100%, it made me understand that life doesn’t always go the way we planned it.

I wouldn’t change it for the world. My very smart 10 year old daughter now makes me remember it every day, that everything happens for a reason, and it was worth it.

Pregnancy the niddy Griddy

It is a cold rainy Saturday here in Canada. I am curled up on the couch, with my woolly blanket and warm cup of coffee of course.

I have always loved reading, for as long as I could remember. I read all the books in my house and my parents couldn’t keep up with me for buying books. I got bored of all the books that we had in the house that I started singing the book instead of reading.

Nothing better then grabbing a book in your hands and diving into the adventures that await you. They have so many ways to read a book now, but nothing beats holding the books in your hands. The smell of new book when you first open it.

Having 3 pregnancies and all 3 of them different I have read a few pregnancy books and parenting books. A lot of them yes very informative but most of them don’t actually tell you exactly what’s going to happen. Like don’t ever give your child the wrong cup, oh man melt down city, or that when you pee on a pregnancy stick you will pee all over your hand.

I wanted a book that told the raw truth about pregnancy. The funny and ups and downs that you will go through, because we all know that pregnancy isn’t all glow and happy days. I finally found a book that was so relatable and funny and made me feel so much better about the changes that I was going through.

I finally found a few books that was not only explains everything that you are going through or will go through, they were totally relatable!

Belly Laughs: The naked truth about pregnancy and child birth – By Jenny McCarthy

This book should be added to your must read list during your pregnancy for sure! She tells the raw truth about her pregnancy and child birth. She talks about grannie panties, Sex during pregnancy, the ups and downs hormonal rage and hemorrhoids. This book was refreshing from the rest of the books. This book isn’t a book to go for advice though so keep that in mind, it’s not a medical book. It is meant to make you laugh and help you through the more serious parts of pregnancy and the stress.

Exploiting My Baby: A Memoir of Pregnancy & Childbirth

Another book to be added to your must read during pregnancy, Terresa Strassers an award winning author writes the truth about it all. Her honestly about motherhood and Pregnancy is amazing. She talks about her experience through every trimester. It is down right funny. I related to this one a lot because of the csection surgery part, since I had 3.

The girlfriends’ guide to pregnancy

I love this one, we all know your doctors give you medical advice and your mother gives you her advice that was clearly out dated a long time ago, but your girlfriends give you the nitty gritty on pregnancy. This book was like I was reading it from my girlfriends prospective. This book is very raw and real. It talks about how to keep your husband happy through your mood swings, which I had plenty. This book gives you life experience and isn’t all down right scary pregnancy books like some.

These books are through my experience and my opinion, I love the ones that you can relate too and are funny. If you are looking to get away from the medical doctor ones then try out these books! Once you read them let me know your experience and how you felt about it! Good or bad. I want to hear your opinions!

Pregnancy’s and child birth is not all buttons and bows, and it can be down right scary! It is refreshing to know that I wasn’t the only one that was experiencing these things!