I am the face of anxiety.

Walking past the windows at night and freaking out at the dark, because you think someone is always staring back at you. The true panic of darkness surrounding you. The unknown of what is out there. Making sure you are ready for anything if someone is to break into your house. You have a plan set out just in case, to get everyone out safely while battling the intruder. 

One day you feel amazing so you make all these fun and awesome plans with your friends and the kids, only to end up canceling that day because you start to think of all the things that could possibly go wrong before you leave the house. 

When you are in public with your kids and if your kids are not all chain linked to you, someone is going to kidnap them and you will never see them again. So before you leave the house you make a mental note in your head with exactly how they look that day. 

When your kid is begging and begging to go for a walk but in your mind you are already thinking about them getting hit by a car and honestly it feels so real in your head, that you continue to make excuses as to why you can’t go for a walk, till you finally give in but then hold on to your child for dear life so they don’t jump into traffic like you envisioned. 

When you are driving in your car and someone is driving behind you, going exactly the same way you are. You start thinking that this person is following you and go down a whole bunch of different roads trying to dodge this person. It is walking into a store and planning your exit strategy every time, making sure you know each exit door. 

When your mind is constantly going a mile a minute. Over thinking everything someone said. This thing someone said could have been months and months ago but something reminded you of that moment and now you are second guessing your answer. It’s over analyzing every single moment. When before you have a conversation with someone you already played the conversation in your head ten times, and then it just comes out a jumbled mess because you are socially awkward. Which then comes the night shower where you are just sitting there wishing you could be different. 

When something is completely out of your control and you can’t grab the reins and make sure you are incontol, you just want to crawl into bed and get out when everything is over. When someone does something differently you blurt out how you would do it differently causing a fight, which you didn’t mean to, it’s only your anxiety talking.  

When you go to bed at night, thinking about all the things that you did get done, and all the things that you DIDN’T get done, that you have to get done the next day. When you go to bed at night thinking that tonight is the night you might not wake up so you stay awake till your completely pass out and have no choice to sleep. 

These feelings…. These feelings that people call crazy. They are real. They are every day feelings inside my head that I have no control over. These feelings that people say “just change your thought process and everything will be fine” 

These feelings are so draining to the point my brain is just so maxed out. It is why every outing just seems so exhausting that I would choose just to stay home instead of going out. In my house, where there is a controlled environment. 

I write this to let you know that you are not alone momma. You are not battling this alone. Normalize talking about your fears and your worries without being told you are crazy or being scared that someone will think you are less of a person because of these.

I see you. Stay strong. 

Arbitrary Rules…

I just read this on Quora and really liked the lesson

RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE.

When I was at one of my lowest (mental) points in life, I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by. I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn’t have much to ‘bring’ to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.“ What are you struggling with?” he asked. I gestured around me and said “I dunno man. Life.” Not satisfied with my answer, he said “No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you? ”I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn’t want to say it. I wanted to have something more substantial. Something more profound. But I didn’t. So I told him, “Honestly? The dishes. It’s stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN’T do them because I’ll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can’t stand and scrub the dishes. “I felt like an idiot even saying it. What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with *actual* problems, and I’m whining to my therapist about dishes? But my therapist nodded in understanding and then said: “RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE.”I began to tell him that you’re not supposed to, but he stopped me. “Why the hell aren’t you supposed to? If you don’t want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist, so stop giving yourself rules. ”It blew my mind in a way that I don’t think I can properly express. That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times. I felt like I had conquered a dragon. The next day, I took a shower lying down. A few days later. I folded my laundry and put them wherever the fuck they fit. There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again. Now that I’m in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry. But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson: THERE ARE NO RULES. RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE!!!

As I read this it really sunk in… we have all these ‘rules’ but who gave us these rules? It is like we read it somewhere or our parents told us this is how its suppose to be and now they are just imbedded in our heads.

I have always made a meal together with the family even if I had to make separate meals because the kids wouldn’t eat what I was making but I made it all together regardless last night, I made the kids dinner first then mine and my husbands later when he got home from work, It was amazing… I was able to eat my whole meal without being interrupted several times. And the best part was…. my dinner stayed warm the whole time I was eating it because I wasn’t getting up several times to help the kids!

We set the bar so high for us that, rules so high to follow that we just mentaly cannot take it anymore.

How about today you do something different, live on the wild side.. throw out some rules that you have been doing for many years for reasons you have no idea why but because you felt you HAD too…

Dishes need to be done right away after dinner…. why? the dishes will still be there later. Watch that show before the dishes get done…

Laundry cant pile up… why? The laundry will still be there later… read that book that you have been dying to read.

run the dish washer twice…. because life is too short. Stressing over these arbitrary rules…

Drink wine in the morning and coffee at night… 😉 rules….

Anything is fucking possible

If I could go back in time speak to my younger self, just have a cup of coffee with her or in my case when I was younger a blue slushy with sour squirts in it.

I would say…

All those dreams and all those adventures that you want to take, you will, but in a different way. You wont be traveling around the world by yourself, you will be traveling with your beautiful kids and husband who loves you dearly.

Take responsibility for your fuck ups and be truthful about them. Lying gets your no where. Lying its just not worth it.

All those times that you would help others and want something in return, just give and give and give and don’t ever expect anything in return. Treat people that way you want to be treated and those that will do it in return without you asking are the ones that you want in our corner.

You are wild and free, you want to be silly, and make people laugh that does not mean that you are crazy. Be wild and be free!

The world is going to be stressful, there are going to be times where you will think about giving up, don’t my dear. The world is beautiful, you will just have to look at it in a different light.

Be someone who can breathe, and think things through. I know its hard for you. I promise it wont kill you lol Even though you may think it will. When you slow down and think before speaking or think before taking action. It will cause less damage and drama.

Do not waste your time on people that don’t give you the time of day. If you have to constantly start the conversation or constantly ask to hang out with someone, or be the one that’s always putting in the effort. IT IS NOT WORTH IT. Walk the fuck away.

You have the ability to see people for who they are before you get to know them… that feeling you get, that uneasy feeling when you are just standing around people, go with it. That is your gut my dear and that will come in handy when you get older.

You may not see it right now but you are a really good person, you are loyal. I want you to find the courage to be yourself. You will go through all these changes and all these different versions of yourself but don’t ever loose yourself trying to get people to like you. It is not worth it.

Respect is the new ‘R’ Word

It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and we were all outside having a good time. The kids were playing on the trampoline and my husband and I were working away on our trailer. 

My daughter comes into the trailer all upset. “The neighbours just yelled at us” my husband and I just looked at her in disbelief. What do you mean they just yelled at you? My daughter told us they told them to shut up. They are being too loud. 

Of course, that was a no go, my husband went over there and spoke to them. The neighbour said “There is something wrong with your child, I think he is ‘retarded’.

My heart sank. My son was in earshot. He heard these complete strangers call him a name. The heartbreak on his face was just devastating. 

Are they serious? Are they really upset to hear kids in the backyard playing? My mind was racing. How low can people be to call my child names? How low can people be to yell at children for playing in the backyard? I am disgusted.  

Growing up in the 80s the word ‘retarded’ was thrown around like confetti. It was the popular insult of that time frame. 

“I used the wrong font on my essay, I am so retarded” back then it just seemed to the best and easiest way people would use to describe when they did something stupid. 

Back then I would fluff that word off like it was just another word, it certainly never sat well with me, but I never gave it a second thought till I had kids. Till I had a child with special needs. 

Hearing this word now kills me. It runs through my body like a bunch of knives being throw at me. This word to me is a swear word. This word needs to go. 

Every day a mother was a special needs child struggles. We struggle with everyday living needs of the child. We struggle with trying to understand why our child, our beautiful baby has to have such a hard life. We struggle with how this is so unfair. 

“I think he is retarded” It’s just booming in my hears. At this moment I stop breathing. I wanted to lose it. The mama bear in me wanted to tear those people apart limb from limb.  My kids were watching me, like hawks. So I quickly scooped them all up and went inside and let my husband handle it. 

After everything settled down, it really sank in. I should have been harder on them, I should have stepped up and told them that the “R” word is not okay. Maybe they would think before they threw that word out there, maybe they wouldn’t, but I just wanted to get my kids out of that situation. 

My son who is 9 years old, has ADHD, High functioning autism, social anxiety and a learning disability. He is smart and funny and full of life. I wouldn’t change him for the word. These labels do not define him. When I look at him I don’t see these labels, I see my beautiful baby boy who makes my heart melt every day. 

Many people don’t see firsthand what it is like to have a child with a disability. I do my best every day to educate people. In hopes that one day these words that people throw around gets thrown in the garbage. That one day instead of judging from afar they would just come and ask questions. I promise you I won’t get offended I encourage it. 

Since my son is high functioning, just by looking at him you wouldn’t know.  Some people would think since it is not severe they have it easy. The reality is quite different. 

What people see in their eyes is a boy that has behavior issues. They just assume that he is just not being raised properly and that, of course, is all their parent’s fault right? This is what happens when you don’t ask questions you just assume. 

My son has extreme sensory issues. He does not like loud noises, crowds, extreme tastes like sour or spicy, bright lights or weird touches to things like slim.  

My son has no social clues. In his mind when he is having a conversation he has no idea what is a civil conversation or when someone is making fun of him. He has no idea what too loud is. He has no idea when it is okay to speak or wait his turn. 

My son has anxiety. When something is new he doesn’t know how to react to it. When something is changing he doesn’t know how to react to it. 

My son lacks planning skills. It is hard for him to plan, manage and cope with the tiniest scheduling change, in school and at home. My son can do many great things, but if there is an obstacle or something goes wrong. He doesn’t know how to handle the situation. 

My son has difficulty following simple instructions. My son CAN do a lot of tasks, but when told verbally, sometimes things get lost in translation. “Clean your room then you can play on your Nintendo” What he may hear is “Clean your room” or “You can play on your Nintendo” Breaking down how you word things with him really helps. 

To a person that doesn’t see these things first hand, to a person who doesn’t have these difficulties could assume these are things someone can get over. That these things are easily ‘fixed’ I promise you, these are not behaviour issues. These are his everyday struggles and will probably have these struggles for the rest of his life. 

This word is never okay to use, in any situation. This word needs to be wiped out of your vocabulary. Knowing 1 child with a disability doesn’t mean you know them all. It means you know that 1. Each child with a disability are their own person, they have their own struggles and their own gains. It is better to ask questions then just stare and make rude comments. 

Just because one child doesn’t learn the same way as other children, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them. It just means that we as parents or caregivers or family need to find a different way to teach them. 

You as a parent will learn how to thrive and grow and change to understand the needs of your child. Yes, you will feel frozen at times, just know it will get better and it will get hard but you will figure it out. 

It is okay to feel sad. That your child will not have a ‘normal’ childhood. It is really hard, but know that you can make their life the best possible way to make sure they are happy and healthy and smiling. 

Be thankful for the little things. I am so thankful when my son puts his shoes on the right way, I make a big deal about it, “Amazing job buddy” Or when he parts with a stuffed animal that is broken because he gets so attached to things. 

Try not to read into what people say to you. I know it is hard and I find myself really overthinking what people say. You will find yourself annoyed with peoples positive attitude because it may seem like they are minimizing the magnitude of your child’s challenges, you may find yourself annoyed with peoples negative attitude towards your child because they don’t recognise your child’s progress.  

I am grateful for the times that we live in. There is so much new information out there that helps people educate. We now live in an age with the internet. We can now connect with other moms that are deal with the same things we are. We have support when we feel like we are all alone.  To share our experiences. 

My hopes are that one day, people will ask questions. My hopes are my son will not have to live in a world where people are so mean and so quick to say hurtful words.  

My hopes are that respect becomes the new “R” word.

My son is a “mamas boy” — and there is nothing wrong with it.

The other day I got accused of raising a mamas boy… like somehow that is a negative thing? 

“He is weak” 

“He needs to toughen up” 

“He is spoiled” 

“He is insecure” 

As I wrote mamas boy, in the search engine, most of what came up were “how to make sure your son doesn’t turn into mamas boy”  “Watch for signs”  Like somehow being a “mamas boy” sounds like they have a disease. 

All this is completely false and garbage. Being close to your mother does not make you all these things, in fact, it is scientifically proven that because of the closeness they develop a great scene of security. Their emotions are stronger and become more independent as they grow up. 

“Mamas boys” are also less prone to violence against women and have more respect for them.  Boys are all-around stronger because of it, emotionally and physically. 

Sadly it seems once it gets put out there on the internet or in people’s minds that, it’s tainted. People are more likely to agree with what society says then what science backs up. 

As mothers we already feel guilty about so many things, we already feel judged about everything single thing we do, now we are being judged because our boys are close to us? To me that is bullshit.  

Okay so let’s get a little more into the research… 

In 2011 there was a study by Science daily of a mother-son relationship. They stated that a son that is not close with their mother or has a rough relationship with their mother tends to grow up as delinquents or grow up to have relationship problems and to be disrespectful towards a woman. 

In 2010 There was a study by American Psychological Association stated that boys that were close to their mothers experience better physical and emotional mental health. 

So if my son wants to cling to me, because I am his safety net, because the world is a scary place. I am going to embrace that. 

Do not allow other people to tell you that it is wrong, don’t ever allow other people to make fun of you or your son because they feel this makes them weaker. This does NOT make your son less of a man when he is older. 

Those people who continue to tell you these things are stuck in the ages where men are not supposed to show their emotions, which I promise you are obnoxious because no one wants to date a robot with zero emotions.  

Loving your mother and wanting to be near your mother and help your mother around the house, does not take their ‘manhood’ away. 

Your son loving you to his fullest means they respect the role you play in their life. Your son needing you means that you are doing your job as their protector. 

I am going to continue to bond with my son, I am going to hold him close because time goes by fast, they grow up fast.

Not everyone is going to like you — It’s okay

I am not going to be liked by everyone, and I am at the point in life… fuck it. 

I am too quiet, which is their eyes means that I am stuck up and don’t want to talk, or too shy.  

I am too loud, which means that I am too outspoken, I am too wild. I give my opinions to much, and I talk too much. 

To some people, I am just a mom with four kids, who probably lost her mind because I have four kids. Who is a hot mess, who doesn’t have enough time to do her hair to its in a mom bum 95% of the time. 

To some people, I am just a mom, who has it all together because her kids are so polite and I look like I have my head on my shoulders. 

Do you see what is happening here? You are either going to be too much for someone or not enough too others. Which if you think about it I am both, quiet and loud and I am okay with this. 

As women, we continue to judge ourselves so harshly because we want to fit in. We over-analyze every little thing we do. We end up wasting so much time on thinking of what other people might be thinking that we miss opportunities to really live our lives. 

And for what? Why do we need approval so bad from others? Approval that no matter what we do there is always going to be someone that doesn’t like you, doesn’t like one think about you. So screw it!

This is YOUR life, This is YOUR journey,  So what, you are not everyone’s cup of tea?

If you want to be a stay at home mom… do it

If you want to be a working mom… do it

If you want to do both… do it

If people don’t like the way you talk, the way you laugh, your sense of humor, screw them. 

If you have dreams like becoming a singer, painter, candlestick maker, do it, chase that dream!

If you want to breastfeed, do it

If you want to formula feed, do it

If you want to wipe out your boob and feed your baby in the middle of a park, do it! 

It is time to end this bullshit. Stop apologizing for who you are. Be wild, Be free!! Own the hot mess you are! Or own that you have it together! 

Stop doubting the choices you make, because they are YOUR choices. People are always going to have opinions, people are always going to think they know better then you do because they have been there done that bought a T-shirt. But they are not YOU, this is your family, not theirs. 

People are not going to like you and that is okay, hey some people might not like you for no apparent reason, because they can. Is this ridiculous, fuck yeah it is, but it’s okay. 

Be who you were meant to be, not what others want you to be! 

The ones that are there for you, the ones that are in your corner those are your people, the ones that don’t care for you at all, the ones that judge everything about you, are not your people. 

And they are not worth your ever loven time.

Dear new mom,

Right now, everything seems so overwhelming. You may think you have no idea what you are doing. You might even be questioning every move you make. You know what is best for your family. For your new baby. 

I promise you, that none of us have it together. We might look like we do on the outside. We might look like we do in all of our social media outlets, but what you don’t see in the picture is the toys that are scattered all over the floor that we have already picked up a thousand times. What you don’t see is a few seconds before that picture one of our kids just ate cheerios off the floor. Some of us might look like we have it all together, but on the inside, we are losing it. 

I promise you, that all that worrying is normal. No matter what age your children are. We are always worrying about them. If we are doing the right thing. If we are doing enough. Are they getting enough food? Are they learning enough in school? Worrying means that we care. We all want what is best for our children. 

I promise you, that we are all struggling. Struggling is a big part of parenting. It is a learning experience every step of the way. Babies bring new changes that we didn’t even know were possible. As kids grow up, they are new challenges every day. Family and friends and strangers will judge your parenting choices, but they are YOUR choices. What works for their family might not work for yours and that’s okay. They all mean well then they give you parenting advice, they really do. Sometimes it comes off as pushy, or judgment. Follow your gut. 

Being a mom for 11 years I have gone through a fair share of struggles myself. I have learned a lot of lessons, I have made some mistakes, but my kids are doing great. I have learned that I can still do this even on the little sleep that I get. 

Motherhood is intense, it can be really hard sometimes, but it makes you stronger. It makes you realize that you are capable of so much more than you ever thought was possible. There will be times where you have reached your limits. There will be times that your heart explodes with so much love and happiness. 

Just know that you are not alone. That we have all been there. Cry if you need to, ask for help if you need it. 

Motherhood is not easy, but you’ve got this!

When this is over — Taking things for granted.

While sitting alone this morning drinking my coffee, the kids were still sleeping. 

I had a thought. Thought of things that I have taken for granted since COVID 19 has started. 

Thoughts of things that I honestly never thought about because they were normal everyday things. That I never would have thought would be so important. The importance of everyday life things. 

A hug. I am not a very huggy person. I am more of a bro tap on the back and away we go, but when I finally got to hug my dad, or my brother and mom. That hug felt like I haven’t seen them in years. That hug was so important. 

A conversation with neighbors. I am socially awkward. To have a conversation with someone is scary to me. My words get jumbled together and I get all weird and forget how to talk. There is something about going into your backyard or going into your front yard and seeing the street full of people, full of life. Puts a smile on my face. When everyone was inside and not coming out the street was empty. It was quiet and lonely. I may not be besties with my neighbors but just knowing they are there it’s comforting. 

Walking into a store to grab something quick.  The lines are so long now, not to mention having to wear masks and gloves. Having to be careful not to touch your face. Just walking into the store has become a whole day thing depending on the lines. 

Normal doctors check-up. My son recently had a doctor’s appointment. This appointment was done over the phone. It was really weird. I have never experienced it before. The doctor simply had to go off from what I was saying. Wasn’t able to check him, herself. I am sure that is difficult for her as well. The doctor’s appointments for my son are crucial. I want to know that I am doing okay with helping him, I want to know that he is doing okay. The reassurance over the phone is just not the same. 

The school rush in the mornings.  I used to dread these mornings. Rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off. 4 lunches. I miss it though. I miss driving the kids in the car and blaring the music and singing. I miss seeing the kids excited for their friends. I miss hearing all about their day when I pick them up. The mornings are intense but everything else makes it all worth it. 

Coffee with a friend. There is nothing better when having a coffee with a friend. You get to talk about your shit storm of life. You get to talk about what you want in the future IN PERSON. Not through text messages or phone calls. You get to laugh and celebrate your life with them. Having those few hours with your friends helps you get through life, helps you get through your day. 

When this is all over I hope we have learned some lessons. I hope that we end up being who we wanted to be and who we hoped to be. 

Everyone has come together. We have proved when shit hits the fan, we can work through it. My hope is that we keep this. My hope is that the world realizes that the way we were doing things was not the right way. Every person for themselves. Coming together, working together. It’s important. 

My daughter is a tween and I am struggling

I am struggling these days to come to the realization that my beautiful baby girl is no longer a baby… but a tween. 

Every now and then I get a glimpse of the little girl she once was. I am struggling to know when to come in and when to step back and let her find her way. 

I miss playing with her hair, putting them in cute little braided pigtails. I still ask if I can do her hair but I get “I got it mom” 

I just feel like I blinked and Mommy, became mom. 

She is still not a teenager, but yet I get the rolling of the eyes, the dragging feet and the big huge signs. 

She is not a little girl anymore, but sometimes she still loves to pretend and play with her LOL dolls on the rare occasion but they are mostly collecting dust on display. 

She no longer needs me like she used to, she doesn’t rely on me to tie her shoes or fix her shirt. 

During this new phase of life, she won’t need me for the little things but she will need me for the bigger things. 

The idea of her growing up scares me and changing scares the shit out of me. 

I remember the first time she crawled and the first time she walked, all her firsts I was there to help her along the way. Now when she accomplishes something or does a new first, I will still be there to cheer her on, she just won’t need my help like she used too. 

When I hear people say “Wow she is just like you” It makes me feel warm inside but yet a little scared. I was a wild child. So carefree. I let the world just take me in the wind. As much as I learnt my lessons along the way. I am scared for her. I want to do everything in my power to protect her from what life will bring her but yet I know I know I need to let go of the sails and let her take over. 

I am just not ready, I feel it is too soon. I remember like it was yesterday when they handed me this cute little chubby girl wrapped in a pink little blanket. 

For now she still waits for me to come in and kiss her goodnight, for now she still sits on the counter while I am making dinner, which was her telling me all her barbie names now she talks about what’s going on in the YouTube word and her live streams but I will take it. I will take in every single moment of it, because one day, that spot on the counter will be empty. 

My kids turned into slobs, during quarantine.

I am tired of it.

My house looks like a party that I wasn’t invited to. It is always a giant mess. No matter how much I pick up, sweep, clean. 

I have always taught my kids to be respectful and clean up after yourselves. I have always taught them responsibility is key. 

But somehow that went right out the window since they have been home due to Covid 19. 

Every single day I am repeating myself constantly to pick up your wrappers, to put your dishes in the sink or dishwasher, pick up your toys. I sound like a damn broken record. 

At this point I don’t even know why I fold their laundry, because I go into their rooms and it looks like a bunch of monkeys went in rummaging through their dressers. 

I yell “If you don’t pick up these legos, I’m just going to vacuum them up!” 

Which they don’t and then I vacuum them up and honestly I don’t even think they notice. 

I have put their toys in the toy jail and I am pretty sure they are collecting dust they haven’t even noticed or care. 

Yelling “I am bored!” well I have a list of lovely things you can do! Now all of a sudden nobodies bored. 

Soon they are going to be completely out of toys and I bet you 100% they are going to somehow make a mess with 3 toys. 

I am hoping and I am praying that when this is all over or one day when they are older they will start picking up after themselves because I will not be going to their houses and cleaning… I keep repeating to myself because I have a feeling it is going to drive me up the wall if their house is a mess. 

I will continue to tell them to clean up, I will continue to tell them to respect your things… hoping one day they will get it.