Walking past the windows at night and freaking out at the dark, because you think someone is always staring back at you. The true panic of darkness surrounding you. The unknown of what is out there. Making sure you are ready for anything if someone is to break into your house. You have a plan set out just in case, to get everyone out safely while battling the intruder.
One day you feel amazing so you make all these fun and awesome plans with your friends and the kids, only to end up canceling that day because you start to think of all the things that could possibly go wrong before you leave the house.
When you are in public with your kids and if your kids are not all chain linked to you, someone is going to kidnap them and you will never see them again. So before you leave the house you make a mental note in your head with exactly how they look that day.
When your kid is begging and begging to go for a walk but in your mind you are already thinking about them getting hit by a car and honestly it feels so real in your head, that you continue to make excuses as to why you can’t go for a walk, till you finally give in but then hold on to your child for dear life so they don’t jump into traffic like you envisioned.
When you are driving in your car and someone is driving behind you, going exactly the same way you are. You start thinking that this person is following you and go down a whole bunch of different roads trying to dodge this person. It is walking into a store and planning your exit strategy every time, making sure you know each exit door.
When your mind is constantly going a mile a minute. Over thinking everything someone said. This thing someone said could have been months and months ago but something reminded you of that moment and now you are second guessing your answer. It’s over analyzing every single moment. When before you have a conversation with someone you already played the conversation in your head ten times, and then it just comes out a jumbled mess because you are socially awkward. Which then comes the night shower where you are just sitting there wishing you could be different.
When something is completely out of your control and you can’t grab the reins and make sure you are incontol, you just want to crawl into bed and get out when everything is over. When someone does something differently you blurt out how you would do it differently causing a fight, which you didn’t mean to, it’s only your anxiety talking.
When you go to bed at night, thinking about all the things that you did get done, and all the things that you DIDN’T get done, that you have to get done the next day. When you go to bed at night thinking that tonight is the night you might not wake up so you stay awake till your completely pass out and have no choice to sleep.
These feelings…. These feelings that people call crazy. They are real. They are every day feelings inside my head that I have no control over. These feelings that people say “just change your thought process and everything will be fine”
These feelings are so draining to the point my brain is just so maxed out. It is why every outing just seems so exhausting that I would choose just to stay home instead of going out. In my house, where there is a controlled environment.
I write this to let you know that you are not alone momma. You are not battling this alone. Normalize talking about your fears and your worries without being told you are crazy or being scared that someone will think you are less of a person because of these.
I see you. Stay strong.