I felt robbed

I feel like my body failed me.
This was not how it was suppose to be.
My pregnancies were all normal, I felt like I was a “easy patient”

Every time I went in for my appointment “Everything looks great” “Right on track” So the end game was not at all what I was expecting.

Getting pregnant at 19, was not my plan. I planned to go to collage and become a vet, or at least anything to do with animals. Life has a way of challenging you. I was taking my birth control every day like clock work, using condoms. I had nothing to worry about right? Well I was wrong.

I was wrong because I made a mistake… at 19 years old, you are considered an adult but you still make those mistakes. We didn’t use a condom and well shocker I got pregnant.

So now here I am pregnant at 19… I needed to change my future. Now I have to not only think about myself but think about this bundle that I am bringing into the world. I was scared, nervous.. Was I going to be a good mom? What will be my birthing plan?

I wanted to do it normal, and by normal I mean vaginally. I had it all planned out to the T. Yet again life throws in a curve ball.

The morning that I gave birth went like any normal day. My boyfriend at the time, my kids father. Went off to work. I didn’t feel right. I woke up with a really bad stomach ache. I tried laying down, drinking more water. Even took a bath and nothing was working. So I called my boyfriend saying, I think you need to come back something is just not right.

Off to the hospital we went with my hospital bag, my birthing plan the whole 9 yards. Was this it? Was this the time we get to meet our child?

Waiting in the hospital bed, hooked up to all the crazy machines. Nurses coming in and out not telling us a damn thing. I finally asked “What going on? Am I giving birth today or not?” The nurses looked at each other then looked at us. That’s when my heart dropped…

What was going on? Was our baby okay? Did I do something wrong?

Nurse 1 said “There is something going on with your babies heart rate, every time you get a contraction, the heart rate goes down” So at this point I am bawling my eyes out. 20 years old and I am giving birth to my first child. I am already scared enough then this happens?

Fast forward my doctor gave me a shot to speed up the process so that I can give birth quickly… I was fully dilated and it was time to push. I kept pushing and pushing. Meanwhile my babies heart rate was still going down. So my doctor made the choice. “We need to do an emergency csection”

Emergency csection… wait what?

My mind was going a mile a minute.. Everything was blurry… I was freaking out. They roll me into the room. I remember how cold it was in that room. I remember all the nurses and doctors running around me. No one was speaking to me, they were all speaking softly to themselves.

I felt nothing from the waste down, besides the pressure and then pushing and pulling and moving my body. I couldn’t do anything because they had this big sheet up.

I heard the cry…

I took the biggest breath ever… I felt like the whole time I was holding it in. That cry… was the best sound I have heard in my entire life. I never thought I could want something so bad. All the worry and the scares and everything just went away the minute I heard our baby cry.

The doctors told me that the cord was wrapped around her neck twice. Her poor little face was purple and you could see on the top of her head where she started to come out when I was pushing. She was perfect.

They pushed me into a room for recovery, without my baby. Without the little human that I was waiting for long to hold and to just stare at. I felt robbed. No skin to skin. No magically joy of them pulling her out of me and my boyfriend cutting the cord. There was none of that. I am laying here after all that alone.

I had to stay in the hospital bed for 2 days hooked up. I wasn’t aloud getting out of it. I was in so much pain that I could barely sit up to feed her or to change her.

I see other ladies getting out of the hospital the second day and here I am still here. I hear all these lovely stories about them being able to do skin to skin and holding their babies for the first time right after before anyone else. I didn’t

I felt like my body failed me.

When I got home I was still in so much pain… I remember crying while in the shower and my boyfriend had to help me wash. I remember crying when he helped me put on my clothes and shoes if we needed to go out. Which wasn’t often right after the csection. Why was I in so much pain? Was I just weak and couldn’t handle the pain? Was this pain not normal? I had no idea what was happening. Since before giving birth I read all these books and researched all about giving birth but never once thought that I would be having a csection.

I remember looking at my scar thinking, I hate you so much. I remember thinking my body now wont ever go back to being the same because of this stupid scar. I remember thinking now my body is ugly.

What I came to understand is the first 2 weeks after a csection is the hardest. It actually takes a full 6 weeks for you to be able to go back to fully functioning.

I wish that I knew this. I wish that I did more research about csections before giving birth. I wish that I knew that I could bond with my baby in different ways like me holding her and breastfeeding which I did but my head was just so wrapped around the fact that I couldn’t do it all right away.

As a new mom at 20 I was the strongest yet most weakest I have ever been. I will forever hold on to this birth story because it changed me. It made me understand that your plan is never 100%, it made me understand that life doesn’t always go the way we planned it.

I wouldn’t change it for the world. My very smart 10 year old daughter now makes me remember it every day, that everything happens for a reason, and it was worth it.